Transcription added to archive February 9, 1982, original speech on January 29, 1982.
[Start of Transcription]
General Scuffling
The clearing of throats
[Spokesman Ron]: Welcome everyone! Hope your travels have bid you no harm. Today I will introduce Goldwater’s newest product: the Gimble Protractuator. Designed for your every need, the Gimble Protractuator is made of high quality materials, precision engineering, and precise fabrication. The nine interlocking aluminum gib-screws in a co-centric, dodecahedral pattern make up the main bulk of design, but don’t be fooled, our troubles didn’t end there. Holding the gib-screws together are twenty-seven tempered steel core-pipes, all filled with high pressure, high temperature di-methyl isocyanate suspended in anhydrous tri-ether hydroxyl-propyl alcohol. This solution allows for the Gimble Protractuator to self balance on a five dimensional scale, solving the problem of gravitational aether influx destabilization. ‘Ah!’, you may be asking, ‘What about quantum atomical electron loss brought upon by this solution?’ We fixed that by adding sub-nano carbon bands surrounded by piezoelectric thorium structures inside the tempered steel core-pipes, with this then additionally aided by our newly invented torquelthorps. The torquelthorps did induce side-winding girdle sheering, but that is easily solved by further annealing of the tempered steel core-pipes. Any questions so far?
Seat scuffling followed by silence
[Spokesman Ron]: Great! Let’s continue. The Gimble Protractuator allows for high level retrograde of imbalanced phenomena, distilling the wobbly waves of prebalanence. This can lead to the overcorrection of high-grade bolambulance, but we’ve tweaked the Gimble Protractuator’s torquelthorps to minimize this behavior. Once done with this first stage, the Gimble Protractuator then transforms into a di-centric icosahedron pattern, allowing for the manipulation of the inherent sound waves caused by the surrounding air. This causes the surrounding hydroxyl to break down into it’s atomized parts and form long chains, leading to never before seen balance of formebalant energies and gyrotic transitions. This product will revolutionize the field of tri-hedral balancing, and is already in use in leading innovative companies. We at Goldwater will provide you all the necessary tools and guides need to use the Gimble Protractuator and join these companies, all for the low price of one-hundred million dollars. Questions?
Silence
[Spokesman Ron]: Perfect! Right outside the exit, fellow spokesman Abigail will provide you the details for acquiring a Gimble Protactuator yourself. Thank you for coming!
[End of Transcription]